Exercising Patience
more like eggs-are-sides for pancakes?
We’re closing in on a year without Mom, dear readers.
I’ve been writing this post in my head for the past few days, so now I’ve taken the time to get it out. For better and worse, I’ve had less to talk about. I probably should be talking, but I’ve grown quieter in my mental captain’s log.
The grief hurts less these days on the surface. The shock has worn off and I have more acceptance about this new way of life without Mom. I’m figuring things out. I still have questions but I’m finding new in roads with people in my life and brushing up on my internet research skills.
My produce garden has been productive! I had a battle with chipmunks there for about a week, but after arming myself with some cayenne pepper I’ve sorted that out. My tomato plants are starting to produce more blooms and even some have tomatoes forming. The Mrs. Burns Lemon Basil is thriving.
I’m learning how dramatic some flowers can be. I have a hydrangea bush that I’m at odds with; it gets watered daily from the top down so the leaves it drinks from benefit. Part sun and shade spot. I have a planter that was Mom’s that I have learned to water from the side and not the top because the flowers won’t stand tall of the water comes down from above on them. A hanging basket just absolutely falls apart if I miss two days of watering; then she’s beautiful if I meet her demands to water her daily. The My Miss Molly butterfly bush is doing well. The Molly’s Magic Carpet coleus probably needs a small trellis at this point.
Aunt Dianne has been thoughtful to mention that this is the first year for some of these bush plants (the Hydrangea, specifically) so I have to be patient. So I’ll give the plant a stink eye as I water it.
This is all really an exercise in patience. Growth from grief takes time. Plant growth takes time. You fall apart and shrivel up when you don’t take care of yourself in this process. You need support to grow tall. Take a shower consistently. Feed yourself. Shampoo your leaves (hair).
I do want to mention the other side of grief that has manifested, to be transparent with you lovely readers.
The dark side of grief has leaked through at times where I’m not my best self to some of my nearest and dearest. I make flippant comments and I lack empathy at times. I try to compensate and save everyone from a fate where things are less than perfect. I don’t want to trust things to fate. It’s very much symbolic of the book Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger. The big turning point, realization moment for the main character, Holden, happens when he realizes all he wants when he grows up is to save people from falling off a cliff. What Holden said was:
I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff—I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.
Holden envisions this great field of rye near a cliff where he saves everyone he can. The deeper thought here is that he’s protecting this idealistic vision of childhood where innocence of the children he sees running through the field can be sustained forever. In literary terms, it’s a bildungsroman. A bildungsroman, she says? This is where a the character is facing growth in the formative years or spiritual education.
If I can save everyone, I won’t have to experience the grief I’ve felt for the past year again. Trauma does weird things to our brain. In the book, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., it is explained that traumatic stress rewires our brain. Healing is possible. I will come out of this, and I will learn to let go and let my loved ones do their thing despite the consequences. It’s just hard. Loss is inevitable, no matter how hard I fight it.
Patience, Jamie. Patience.
This recipe is a recent discovery, and I was able to use basil from my garden for it.
Roasted Vegetables with Ravioli & Pesto
Ingredients:
1-3 bell peppers, Green, orange, or red.
1/2 yellow onion
1/2 pint grape tomatoes
4 Tbsp olive oil (I like to use a garlic olive oil on *basically* everything)
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 package/10oz ravioli (I had spinach and cheese ravioli)
1/3C basil pesto
1/2 Tbsp minced garlic
1/4 diced fresh basil (optional)
salt and pepper to taste
Directions:
Preheat Oven to 425 degress fahrenheit
Remove stem & seeds from bell peppers, and dice them to bite size pieces. Halve the tomatoes. Dice the onion.
Place all these vegetables in a medium bowl and combine with 2 Tbsp olive oil, salt & pepper, garlic powder and basil.
Pour onto a lined sheet pan. Spread evenly and bake for 10 mins
At 10 minute mark, add minced garlic, bake 10 more minutes
While veggies are cooking, bring pot of water to boil and cook ravioli until pasta is tender.
Drain pasta, then dump into large mixing bowl. Add 2 Tbsp olive oil and pesto and mix to combine.
When veggies are finished, dump into large bowl and mix further.
Put all back onto sheet pan and place in oven for 2-3 mins.
Pull from oven, serve, and enjoy!
